Acceptance

It takes a while for people to learn to accept things about themselves.

Some people think they  are too short, or too skinny, too fat, too tall... They aren't athletic enough, they can't sing well, their drawings look like chicken scratch, and their fashion sense sucks.

I will admit, I have a problem accepting some things about myself.  I compare myself to other people.  I look at them and think, they get so much attention.  They get all the  dates, all the guys, all the compliments and I get nothing.  No one notices me for what I do.  PITY PARTY to the MAX!

I remember when I was in high school I was super shy.  I didn't want to say anything to people and I had about three close friends. I was super self-conscious about what I would say to people.  "Did that sound dumb?" "Did they think I was stupid?"... I thought I would be judged because of my words and I held them back.  But I had a lot of talent.. I could write really well in English and could express myself so easily in words.  Some people couldn't do that.  Why didn't I look at what I was good at?

When I got to college I was afraid I wouldn't have any friends.  I felt like I wasn't pretty enough and I had to compete with all of these girls in college.  My freshmen friends were going on dates, I was wondering why I never got asked.. I assumed it was because of the way that I looked.  I thought my personality was great!  But I got involved in service groups on campus and founds things I wanted to be involved in.  I met one of my best friends the first day I moved in and I know that Heavenly Father placed her in my path. Why didn't I focus more on others?

When I moved into an older ward, I found a group of guys I became friends with.  They were totally themselves in all situations and made everyone feel comfortable and invited.  I didn't know how they could be themselves but I was determined to be like them.  I wanted to act out skits and say crazy things just to make people laugh without feeling like an idiot.  This is when I realized I wanted to change.

I became a person who introduced myself first and made people feel welcome.  I invited people to play games and had them over for dinner.  I was an active participant in the ward and wanted to help people find where they belonged.  I BEGAN TO CARE MORE ABOUT OTHERS THAN MYSELF. (Key #1)

Now it's been three years since I've seen that group of guys.  They are all married now and have gone their separate ways.  But I haven't kept up my extroversion.  I have lost motivation to be the first one to introduce myself, or to invite people, because I think people will judge me.  I've gone back to those high school days.  The days when Jessica felt insecure about herself.  A day that I never wanted to go back to.  Don't get me wrong, I'm still assertive, but that Jessica that wasn't afraid to flirt, to walk into someone's apartment and meet them for the first time, she's disappeared for a while.

It is only when I tell myself to be happy and not care what other people think of me that I truly am myself.  I don't want to hold back dancing crazy at a party-- I want to dance!  I'm not going to live my life for other people.  I will care more about them but I will live my life for me.  A contradiction to the above capitalized words right? Hopefully you see what I mean though.

I might not be the skinniest girl on the block.. I might be thick.  I might like to work out and lift weights.  I might not look the same as I did in high school.  Maybe my shirts are baggy-- maybe I don't want to wash my hair every day.. maybe I want to wear shorts and a t-shirt to school.  That is my right. I have to learn to accept myself and live for me.  Get healthy for me.  Dress for me.  Because guys and girls will come and go.  People will always be around to compare yourself to but they will change. You have your body forever. And to dwell on it for all of this life is a sad thing when we have all of eternity to prepare for.

Think about it.  I'm going to go start accepting myself.

Jessica