Forget Yourself

I rarely blog because I rarely can find time to blog.

Let me fill you in. I'm taking 5 classes, and they are all pretty easy and fun.

I'm working at concessions which means I work every football game at one of the busiest stands on the upper west side. We sell out of sandwiches and Cougar tails faster than we can get them out.

But the job is good and fast paced, just how I like it.

But let me get to the personal stuff---

I've lived in the same apartment complex since Aug. 2008. I know, I've been here a long time (don't judge). I've been through a total of about 3 different wards and 3 Bishoprics. Every year the ward seems to change. My first year here the ward was awesome. The people were friendly, personable, I felt like I could walk into any apartment and sit down and have a conversation with someone, regardless of how long I had known them. We were just that close and it was awesome.

The second year, the people seemed to have little cliques. During the Fall I really didn't know that many people because they seemed to have their cliques. Then during Winter semester people started coming around and being more social. I knew just about everyone's names before the year was over.

Now let me tell you about this year. Well, when I first moved in during 2008 Bishop Lindsay told us that we should memorize the ward directory as soon as we got it so we could greet people in the hallway by their names. Well I did it and I did it the next year and the next. I knew everyone's names and where they were from, something about them and what apartment they were in. Okay-- let's get back to the present. Well, I don't have a ward directory so I can't memorize anyone's names. I did my best during the first two weeks to invite people to play games and do things but guess what? Half of the people that said they would be there didn't come!

Half of the guys and the girls already knew each other. They either roomed together, lived in the dorms together, served missions together, or grew up together. Now, this usually happens in a student ward but I would say I have never seen a case like this. So I feel like I'm left out because people already have their "friends".

On the first Sunday we met at the State Hospital. On the next Sunday where we start our own Church meetings in the Tanner Building I left a seat open next to me each time I sat down (because I always get everywhere early) so someone would be able to sit next to me. Guess what? No one did. No one even asked me who I was or where I was from. Imagine how that feels for someone to not have anyone speak to them. Especially if they were NEW! (which I wasn't but still) There was only one boy who said "Hey Jessica" on that first Sunday. I am glad he did because I appreciated it.

I found out that the ward is young. Most of the girls (my roommates included) are 18, 19, and 20. I mean, I'm 21 but I'm not immature. It makes a difference between being young and immature and young and mature. I prefer the latter in a roommate/friend.

So I've got people around me who don't know about the Honor Code who scream at the top of their lungs and who want to go on dates with boys 24/7. Seriously? I never screamed but I grew out of being boy-crazy once I realized boys don't like that and school is more important.

So I sat around the first week thinking, oh great this is going to be an awesome semester. If I don't die first or someone gets punched. The third Sunday we met together I got a new calling in the Relief Society--again. And I pretty much told Bishop Wood I was tired of being in there. I found myself having feelings of "hate" if you could call it that. More like "frustration". I was tired of not having a new calling, I was tired of young people ( by that I mean under 21), I didn't like the fact I couldn't relate to my roommates, and I didn't like it that the people weren't outgoing and friendly and I was not going to introduce myself first for the third year in a row.

I knew that my feelings weren't what they were supposed to be. So I prayed. I prayed to have the right mindset. I prayed to be able to stop focusing on myself and focus on others. I mean, I have a job, I have a wonderful family, and the friends that I do have are great. I had this feeling that if I focused on others that I would be able to find someone who was worse off than me and to help them and even if I didn't find them, I just kept thinking there was someone out there worse off than me. It helped me put things into perspective. I don't have a lot of "best friends" or people that I constantly do stuff with. I am busy a lot or I'm tired from work, or I just want to stay at home. But it does make a difference when someone stops by just to talk to you, just to see how your day is or to come and tell you something exciting. There are a lot of cliques in the ward and I can't break them up, but I don't want to create my own either. I hate cliques I think they make people feel a lack of self confidence and self esteem. I feel that sometimes when my roommates have their friends over an invite that is extended to me is just an afterthought. Their actions really do speak louder than their words of "Oh you are totally invited".

So this post is not to say "I hate my life I have no friends and I am a loner". This post is to say, I know how you feel if you are reading this and you don't have friends or good roommates. I know how you feel when you want something to do on a Friday night but you don't know who to ask because they are all out with their "group". This post is intended for me to reflect on what I can do differently to focus on others, to make them feel included, whether it sounds like it or not. Because if I would forget about myself and get to work, I wouldn't have time to sit around and write a post like this and if you would forget about yourself and what you don't have or what you want you might not be reading this blog. I tend to look at other people's lives via Facebook, blogger, etc. and sometimes desire something that I think I don't have when I should be out there cultivating it instead of admiring it. Success doesn't come by sitting on your rear it comes with acting despite of fear.

This week I will focus on what I can do to have a better attitude and to find company when I think I'm alone. But I know that I'm never alone because I have been promised the constant companionship of the Holy Ghost and I am always encircled by the love of the Savior. So life is good, it might not always be great, but it's good.