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Acceptance

It takes a while for people to learn to accept things about themselves.

Some people think they  are too short, or too skinny, too fat, too tall... They aren't athletic enough, they can't sing well, their drawings look like chicken scratch, and their fashion sense sucks.

I will admit, I have a problem accepting some things about myself.  I compare myself to other people.  I look at them and think, they get so much attention.  They get all the  dates, all the guys, all the compliments and I get nothing.  No one notices me for what I do.  PITY PARTY to the MAX!

I remember when I was in high school I was super shy.  I didn't want to say anything to people and I had about three close friends. I was super self-conscious about what I would say to people.  "Did that sound dumb?" "Did they think I was stupid?"... I thought I would be judged because of my words and I held them back.  But I had a lot of talent.. I could write really well in English and could express myself so easily in words.  Some people couldn't do that.  Why didn't I look at what I was good at?

When I got to college I was afraid I wouldn't have any friends.  I felt like I wasn't pretty enough and I had to compete with all of these girls in college.  My freshmen friends were going on dates, I was wondering why I never got asked.. I assumed it was because of the way that I looked.  I thought my personality was great!  But I got involved in service groups on campus and founds things I wanted to be involved in.  I met one of my best friends the first day I moved in and I know that Heavenly Father placed her in my path. Why didn't I focus more on others?

When I moved into an older ward, I found a group of guys I became friends with.  They were totally themselves in all situations and made everyone feel comfortable and invited.  I didn't know how they could be themselves but I was determined to be like them.  I wanted to act out skits and say crazy things just to make people laugh without feeling like an idiot.  This is when I realized I wanted to change.

I became a person who introduced myself first and made people feel welcome.  I invited people to play games and had them over for dinner.  I was an active participant in the ward and wanted to help people find where they belonged.  I BEGAN TO CARE MORE ABOUT OTHERS THAN MYSELF. (Key #1)

Now it's been three years since I've seen that group of guys.  They are all married now and have gone their separate ways.  But I haven't kept up my extroversion.  I have lost motivation to be the first one to introduce myself, or to invite people, because I think people will judge me.  I've gone back to those high school days.  The days when Jessica felt insecure about herself.  A day that I never wanted to go back to.  Don't get me wrong, I'm still assertive, but that Jessica that wasn't afraid to flirt, to walk into someone's apartment and meet them for the first time, she's disappeared for a while.

It is only when I tell myself to be happy and not care what other people think of me that I truly am myself.  I don't want to hold back dancing crazy at a party-- I want to dance!  I'm not going to live my life for other people.  I will care more about them but I will live my life for me.  A contradiction to the above capitalized words right? Hopefully you see what I mean though.

I might not be the skinniest girl on the block.. I might be thick.  I might like to work out and lift weights.  I might not look the same as I did in high school.  Maybe my shirts are baggy-- maybe I don't want to wash my hair every day.. maybe I want to wear shorts and a t-shirt to school.  That is my right. I have to learn to accept myself and live for me.  Get healthy for me.  Dress for me.  Because guys and girls will come and go.  People will always be around to compare yourself to but they will change. You have your body forever. And to dwell on it for all of this life is a sad thing when we have all of eternity to prepare for.

Think about it.  I'm going to go start accepting myself.

Jessica

Blessed

I have always had faith that Heavenly Father would watch out for me and my family.  I've always known that He will protect us and bless us if we are righteous.

It amazes me that all through my schooling I have seen His hand in my life.  Through scholarships, financial aid, job offers, test scores, and everything else that has to do with school, He has never ceased to bless me.  Of course, I realize that I have to do my part before He will help me.

I know that I'm not a perfect person, I make mistakes.  I repent and yet I fail again.  But He is always there behind me.  Pushing me forward, seeing that I have the things that I stand in need of.  His love and mercy are limitless.  I am just amazed that He would bless me even though I am not a perfect person.  But that is the way God works.  Our Heavenly Father loves us and He wants us to be happy.  He knows how hard we try and He sees the trials that we face daily.  I want to be a better person than I am today.  But I am forever grateful for His love.

I'm grateful to be at BYU getting an education.  I'm grateful that He blesses me.

Bettering Myself

Things don't always work out the way you want them to.
Usually when they don't work out the right way, I end up pushing people away or ignoring them.
I'm so TIRED of this attitude.  I'm tired of pushing people away.  I've said it a million times.
I'm tired of the fact that I treat people this way because I have to ignore them in order to get over the ill feelings that I have toward them.  If there was some way that I could just forget what made me mad and treat them normally that would be great!  But that usually doesn't happen...

Life is too short to treat people unkindly.  It's too short to be mad at things that don't really matter in the scheme of things.  I've got great friends and people who care about me and want the best for me.  I'm glad that Heavenly Father places people in my path so I can get more experience and weed out the guys who aren't good for me.  Yeah, relationships.... You guessed it.

I still need to find that part inside of me that wants to fight against judging, anger, malice, hatred, grudges, gossiping, and ignoring people.

I'm not perfect, so forgive me as I try to reach inside to polish up qualities that I need to work on.

blah

Because I know that you love to hear about my life...

I'll just make it short.

Sometimes in life I realize that there are things that I do differently than other people. I'm honest, forward, straight forward, and not one to play the guessing game. I know that some people can't handle a forward person, or an honest person. I speak my mind which can make some people shy away and some people don't care and like that in a person.

But I've gotten into this mindset that when guys say, "We should just be friends, it's not going to work" that I have something wrong with me. That maybe I'm too forward. That I need to change my personality. But I would have no idea how to do that, and frankly I like myself just the way I am. But I know that everyone has things they need to work on to make themselves better.

At the same time I have to remember that there are times when I say the same things to guys, "it would never work out, we can only be friends." And it's fine to be friends with them.

I guess what I'm trying to say is... I just wish I could figure out what I need to change if I need to change anything at all. You know what I mean?

I am SO SORRY!

WOW! I haven't blogged in a long time! It wasn't until my roommate asked me if I had a blog that I decided I needed to blog again. So let's see what's been going on...

For starters, I've decided I want to get my Masters in Social Work and work for LDS Family Services or some type of agency that deals with mental/emotional illnesses and substance abuse problems. The more that I've gotten involved in my course work the more that I've realized I really love helping people in a one-on-one situation. Of course I would still like to be a teacher, the best way to help people from having to go to these social service agencies is to help them during their adolescence. I love working with youth and interacting with their personalities, but I yearn for the opportunity to be able to sit down with each one of them and have them discuss their concerns with me. I'm not sure that is what a teacher is primarily there to do. The more I think about it the more I want to get into counseling. So I think that's the route I'm going for right now.

I am almost done with this semester, which means that I have about a month left until Finals start. blah. It's gone by so fast. It's been a great winter though. Not a lot of snow, I haven't fallen, well I think I almost slipped once, but I caught myself. The weather has been really warm the past few days and during the last month. My roommates are great and we get along really well. I mean come on, we introduced ourselves to the ward by dressing up as huge stuffed fruits. Pretty crazy right!? It was a lot of fun though and definitely broke the ice for the semester.

I bought four little Glofish for the apartment. Gus Gus, Char, Starla, and JeWesGi... Gus Gus is actually a girl and is pregnant... but yeah I don't know if she will ever have babies. We'll see. They are cute little things.

I'm planning on staying here in Provo during Spring/Summer and working full-time. Hopefully I'll get to go home after the Stadium of Fire in July. I need to go see my fam and be in the heat before it ends! Hopefully I'll be able to catch some tornadoes when I go home.

I went to an Alcoholics Anonymous Meeting for my class a month ago and it was one of the best experiences of my life! Seriously, so good. I had so much faith and hope in the individuals who were there to get help. You can see that they really want to change how they are living their lives. Their families have been torn apart and they have lost everything because of their addictions but they get together every week and talk about how they can rely on their Higher Power and how they can help each other overcome their problems. I have complete faith that if they continue in the path that they are on they will be successful.

I also got to volunteer with RAH which is where we go to interact with adults that have disabilities. That was such a good experience too! I've always had the mindset that it's bad to stare at people with disabilities, or it's mean. In all actuality, they don't even realize what I'm doing! Of course, some of them know when you stare at them, but they are just people! As soon as I walked in there was a woman who said, I love BYU! I went and asked her if she was a BYU fan and she said yes, that she was. There was another woman who was sitting beside me answering questions about Presidents Day and she said that the current President was Thomas S. Monson, I had to laugh, but it was so cute. It is amazing that all of these adults with disabilities were once children and now here they are grown up still with the same disabilities. The only thing that has changed about them is their physical appearance and age, on the inside, they a re still the same. I loved interacting with them. It made me less afraid to be around them now and helped me to realize I need to treat them just like everyone else I meet. They need to be loved too and they have hearts to give love too.

I think that is about all of the exciting things I've done so far... I'm sure there will be other things. I'll just have to remember to blog.

Jessica

What I want to Change

I was reading an article in the Ensign tonight that was about how social networking sites and digital technologies impact our lives.

I often express my opinion that I think technology makes society lazy. We want to push a button to start the car instead of manually putting the key in the door. We want to write e-mails instead of hand writing thoughtful cards. We want to pre-order food and have it delivered... sometimes I think technology makes life a little too relaxed.

I am the type that would rather turn the pages of a book than flick the screen. I like writing in my journal more than typing this blog. It's more human to me. I believe God has given us hands, eyes, ears, feet, legs, and all other appendages so we could work. Yes, there is time to relax and use digital technology, I watch Netflix quite often. But it's the reasons behind why we use the technology that matter.

I use Facebook as an escape from homework, a way to spy on other people, a way to look at people's pictures, interact with friends, etc. I use my cell phone to check e-mails and send text messages. I hate it when I am talking to someone and they ignore what I'm saying because they are texting. I don't like talking to my phone more than I do to people.

I'm not a predictor of the future, but what if there is no internet one day? What if e-mails don't matter and what really matters are the people around you and the skills that you have? You have to communicate to build a shelter, or to start a fire. No app will start a fire for you. That is why I'm not reliant on technology. I understand that if something major in the world happened I would need to be able to use my knowledge to survive.

I realized while I was reading this article that I don't want my kids to grow up addicted to technology. There are so many more things in the world they can do. Play outside, build a fort, climb a tree, chase butterflies, plant a seed, read a good book, sing songs, play board games. What really matters in life is the relationships that we form. How we show our love to people and how we show that we love the Lord. But I can't expect my kids to moderate their technology usage if I can't moderate mine. So I want to learn how to only use the internet when needed, to watch television only when needed and not to use the technologies as means of escape. Instead, I'll read a book or look at a song, or study. I've got to make it a habit and a way of life for myself first before I can expect anyone to follow me.